眾獨

爸，世界是一條延長線，所以我無法解釋我的選擇，或者為何門上有興奮歡樂的乳頭。上面還掛著兩隻手。如果我告訴你門是我的身體，還有那雙手是誰的，你願意來我們的婚禮嗎？你見過他。世界是一條延長線而我害怕。對我來說他的手有時候是邊界，有時候是世界。繼續下去的念頭讓我害怕，因為我知道什麼時候天亮 。現在，我明白你說少知是福是什麼意思了。我希望你知道他多一點。他依然跪在我身邊直到一個字重新導向我心中。我的心知道什麼時候天亮。日子看著他停頓，而他看著我衡量道歉。我害怕。我們花了過去幾個月量度告白和酥脆的秘密。世界是一條延長線。你沒告訴我每個戀愛的人生下來就愛吃甜食，而他們把憂鬱像芝麻卷往內摺。你沒告訴我一場婚禮是取消分裂的理由或正是分裂的理由。我害怕。你願意來我們的婚禮嗎？我們會邀請女人：唐綺陽，張君雅和我們的媽媽，只要我的不走得像條易碎的細繩，而他的會限縮她問題的框架。如果我們的菜色是速食，你依然會來嗎？祖樂比、麥克雞塊和其他吃起來像苔蘚的垃圾，這樣賓客們就無法分辨第一道和第二道菜的差別。我無法解釋我的選擇。我曾經盡量把自己展開，擴濶戀愛的平面。我無法解釋我的選擇。當我遇見他，他為我下廚。我們在考慮請阿妹來，並且在IG上直播（#soundbite #連名帶姓 #靠__是失戀歌 #放棄）。你害怕嗎？我們可以留你在鏡頭外，但帶一條延長線來我們的婚禮。你見過他，但我沒告訴你我們在小李子吃宵夜，也沒告訴你臺北用她呼吸的旋律重建了我們。我沒告訴你當我們在仁愛路上牽手時，不必忍受路過的側目。我嚇到你嗎？但還是帶一條延長線來吧。我無法解釋我的選擇。我不再希望自己的人生像你的高球酒杯一樣空洞。和他一起，我想看見光像蜂巢盤繞，並且聽見它清脆的叮咚聲。和他一起，我知道我的感覺，並渴望感覺到我知道。這些渴望的速率對你來說太快了嗎？你也無法解釋我的選擇。有時候，看到彼此臉無修飾，華麗得像個胰臟會令人疼痛。有時候，我們這種人（即使已在熱戀）會打扮成小丑去向陌生人說嗨。爸，世界根本不像一條延長線那麼有用。我希望你曾明確地告訴我是什麼驅動一場婚禮。是純粹信念，還是像洪水的匆促？我希望你曾告訴我親密可以是一扇剛裝上的門。這次是真正的門。我不害怕，這令你害怕嗎？如果我告訴你我希望你來見證我的機會，你會怎麼說？說願意。我答應你我會停止小心翼翼地重複訴說我的故事。

林蔚昀 譯
（特別鳴謝 香港詩人鄧小樺協助詩作命題）

Onlys

Dad, the world is an extension cord, so I can’t explain my choice, or why there’re excitement-bright nipples on the door. There’re hands hanging on them. Would you come to our wedding if I tell you the door is my body and whose hands they’re? You’ve met him. The world is an extension cord & I’m scared. His hands are sometimes borders, sometimes the world to me. I’m scared of the very thought of carrying on because I know exactly when the day breaks. Now, I know what you mean by knowing less is a blessing. I want you to know more about him. He still kneels beside me until a word reroutes itself to my heart. It’s my heart that knows when the day breaks. The day watches him pause & he watches me weigh apologies. I’m scared. We spent the past few months measuring confessions & crunchy secrets. The world is an extension cord. You didn’t tell me each lover is born with a sweet tooth & they fold their sadness inwards like a sesame roll. You didn’t tell me a wedding is to undo a reason split or a reason to split. I’m scared. Would you come to our wedding? We’ll invite women: 唐綺陽, 張君雅 & our mothers, if mine doesn’t walk like a frail string & his restricts the frame of her questioning. Would you still come if we have a fast-food theme for catering? Jollibee, McNuggets & other lichen-like shit, so the guests can’t register the contrast of their first & second plates. I can’t explain my choice. I once spread myself as wide as possible to increase the catchment area for falling in love. I can’t explain my choice. When I met him, he cooked for me. We're thinking of inviting A-Mei & going live on IG (#soundbite #連名帶姓 #靠__是失戀歌 #放棄). Are you scared? We can leave you out of the frame, but bring an extension cord to our wedding. You’ve met him, but I didn’t tell you our late supper at 小李子, or that Taipei rebuilt us with the tune of her breaths. I didn’t tell you we didn’t need to bear the brute strength of each passing eye when holding hands in 仁愛路. Did I scare you? Still, bring an extension cord. I can’t explain my choice. I no longer want my life emptied like the space within your highball glass. With him, I want to see a hive of light coiling & hear its tinkling sound. With him, I know how I feel and want to feel the knowing. Is the velocity of these wants too much for you? You can’t explain my choice, either. Sometimes, it’s hurtful seeing we’re barefaced & resplendent only as a spleen. Sometimes, people like us (despite already in love) dress up as clowns to say hello to strangers. Dad, the world isn’t useful like an extension cord at all. I wish you told me what drives a wedding specifically. Only an act of faith or a flood of rushing? I wish you told me intimacy could be a door just installed. A real door this time. Are you scared that I’m not? What if I tell you I want you to be there to face my chance? Say yes. I promise to stop re-telling you my story such carefully.